A few years ago, I happened across a small, overcrowded airport in the Middle East. In temperatures akin to a manned flight to the sun, being urinated on by a goat was considered blissful relief. There was little to distinguish authority from the common man other than the size of their guns and I was confident – this has to be the worst airport in the world……… then I discovered Madrid. Signs are in Spanish only and use a lettering system from H to L which are colour coded. I am still to work out the code but I’m sure it makes sense in Spanish. I think H, J and L (yellow, green, red) are in T1 and I and K (Blue and Purple) are in T2 depending on whether Capricorn is rising and the moon’s in Uranas. Gates are numbered…. shortly after your flight has departed. Food is colour coded depending on how long it has been left in direct sunlight. Staff must be able to show a direct blood line to the Spanish Inquisition before employment and only serve to point out when you should have been wherever it is you can’t get to. It is also the only airport I have taken off from and landed at in the same flight – so I can’t imagine the engineers are much cop either – thought it was a BA/Iberia "Gamble with your life" flight.